Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
These are my roll models.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Discuss
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
