Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
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Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
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Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.