Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything

My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.