Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
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I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.