Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
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Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send