Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
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“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
A small tragedy.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
File under excellent bookstore names.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses