Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.

I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

Her: Do you know any dog photographers?

Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

Pretty much. 🤣

You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago

My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”

PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

Untitled Goose Game (2019)