Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.

Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.

Me: I need to lose some weight.

Fries: Let’s do it together.

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.