@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
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Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
dark side of the loom
Doggies just call it style.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
<- sleeps well with others
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
I’m calling the cops.
