@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
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[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ