concern
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friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.