concern
You Might Also Like
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence