concern
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I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
my dad would read teen books as they were becoming popular so if we asked to read them he knew if they were appropriate, which means that he read the entire twilight saga before i did and was like, “i mean you can read it if you want but it’s really weird.”
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Costco workers just authorized a nationwide strike, which makes sense because collective action is basically just buying justice in bulk
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Not messing around
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
