Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health

me: phew, I’m so relieved

doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.

You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

*Creating a new social media app*

“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.

On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’

On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.

As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that