Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.