Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?

Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist

Anyway, thought of you

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…

there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin