Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

American Horror Story: Public Restroom

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

“You’re acting weird.”

First of all, I’m not acting

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.

Anyone want some garlic banana bread?

DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

Spoiler Alert: I was late

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

oh you wanna fight?!

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.