Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A leaf blower, but for people.

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you

ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!

GOD: what

ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard

We need more people like this.

If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?

he’s a little confused but he got the spirit

INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness

Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?

007: Shaken…

Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.

No, YOU’RE a child!

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.