[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
You Might Also Like
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
can’t believe I got front row seats
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that