Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

Judge: how do you plead?

Guy: well usually to my wife

Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:

“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator

[date]

HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

it was love at first sight

*reading of my will*

Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”