Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[MasterChef]

GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish

ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.

My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…

Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?

pat pat

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK

HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK

HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK

HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK

HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES

HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING

OHHHHHHHH

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it

CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.

I contain multitudes, Elizabeth

I think I’ll stand

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

Me: what will you trade me for my Soul

Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA

Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant

Me: no sweat

“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.