Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

[phone rings]

Me: Hello?

My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot

In the Target toy aisles-

“No, please put that back”

“I said we aren’t buying anything today”

“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”

– and that’s just me to my husband

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q