Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD

File under excellent bookstore names.

“Describe yourself in three words”

“Lazy”

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!

If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies

I am all good here, 😂😉

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.