{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
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MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
The First Farmer
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Salad is the decaf of food.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.