Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?

me: no, that’s a fence

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

Everything reminds me of my ex

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.