{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
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*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
