Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD

Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube

joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.

[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

*3 running a brush through my hair*

3: I’m making your hair pretty

Me: Thank you

3: instead of so ugly

Me:

Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?