Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.

Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

more water

breakfast, the most important beer of the day

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.

-No DNA test needed

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

This is no longer winter this is harassment

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile