Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

I am laughing way too hard at this.

“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them

genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.

a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

She took all my money, called me fat, AND stabbed me in the arm. I hate doctor appointments.

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.