Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”

STEVE: How about a Kasteve?

BOB: I have a better idea

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…