Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pee pressure > peer pressure

Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

DOOO EEEET

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!