[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
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I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
me in a relationship:
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
no cat here
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”