[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
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Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
