Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

Museums are a joke like please don’t steal this old shit nobody would never use

3% human
97% stress

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

2023 was just a warmup

i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.

Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.

Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.