Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”

One Tree Hill in 2009:

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.