Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

[space launch]

ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem

ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned

ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

my fav colour is also hitler

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were

St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.