Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

[watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

🎵 I can’t wait to

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing

*unwraps Babybel*

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

[Eating]

Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …

my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”