{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
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Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out