Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit

Start calling divorces “incidents”

Level up on that intrigue

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”

My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

Okay, I’m still confused…

Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.

Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!

Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?