Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon