Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup

Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.