Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

Customer: can I get some bacon

Me: sure

Customer: can you make it fatty

Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make

i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

A robber walks into a bank with a glue gun

And shouts “This is a stick-up!”

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever

Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

sugar glider wrangler

My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.