[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
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Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
