[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
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when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
listen closely
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span