Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

If you’re testing me, we failed.

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.