Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened