Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages

You see my problem here

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

a haunted house called blood bath & beyond

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

“HELP WITH CAT”

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”

Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!

ME: Thanks. You too!

BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.

*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water

Therefore the Earth is flat.

Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?

Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.