Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.

[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?