Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table![]()
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Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Don’t talk down to me
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Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I’m never leaving this app.
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interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?