Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon

Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?

The baby cheese crust.

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

Take it from me

Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

Scrolls Twitter

*throws phone in holy water

Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist

the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were