Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.