SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
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we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.