Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
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*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea