Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
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What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.