Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
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if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
🏙👨🏼
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops