Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
You Might Also Like
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
tourist season
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.