Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
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“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
Sing it!
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
What a website
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second