Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
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I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.