Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
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3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
