Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”

went fishing caught a bass

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

Spider-cat: No One Home

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?

Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”

[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

Ears are great for tucking your hair behind in the wind. Big shout out to ears.

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating

Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it

Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets

Therapist: absolutely not

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.