“Condescending?” Who put that word into your pretty little head?
You Might Also Like
This tweet has been deleted
Story time
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Breaking news:
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.