“Condescending?” Who put that word into your pretty little head?
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It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen