Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meowchelangelo

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

English: i before e, except after c.

Science: Ummmm, No.

Why are bridges so flammable.

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old