Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over

What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you

imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.

Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.

Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.