Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
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[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad