Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!

911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠

Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo