Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?