Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
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the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
My first son he is wonderful
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*