[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
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Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.