[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
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[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
bury ourselves
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please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you