Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[olive garden]

waiter: when you’re here you’re family

me: cool can I borrow some money

waiter: please leave

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

my dad when a sex scene comes on

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

me: I’m in a terrible mood

friend: try drinking some water

me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated

[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.

Never let them know your next move 😂

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?

Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?