Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”

PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

When you’re Kinky but poor

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why