[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
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Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
SCARY COSTUME
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!