[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
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Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
how high up are we talkin’?
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Everything reminds me of my ex
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.