Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”