Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
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2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
weddings should have a worst man
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea