Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
You Might Also Like
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
saving face 👀
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…