Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
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me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
🤣
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
What personal space?
My dog
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism