Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

Excel sheet: People hate me.

Fitted sheet: Join the club.

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

I think my mom just blocked me

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT