Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
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i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
Wait a second…
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.