Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.

My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.

the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?

me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.

9yo: like clothes?

me: no they don’t have clothes there.

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

me when i see my girls butt

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

oh you like architecture? name three walls

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

“How do you do, fellow birds?”