condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
You Might Also Like
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
When does CPR become necrophilia?
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!