Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

Headache Protip:

Bang your toe into something.

I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

Finally!

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.