condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
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You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
The Friday File.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent